Library makeover is a flop...quelle surprise

So the library refurbishment is over, thousands of perfectly serviceable books have been binned to make way for funky furniture and tens of thousands of dollars have been sunk into jazzing the place up. Too bad that the number of visitors is down by almost 50% compared to this time last year. Quite ironic, given the purpose of the refurbishment was to increase visitors. Just goes to show, you shouldn't buy into everything a consultant tells you. Oh well, I guess it doesn't matter...it's only the ratepayer's money we're playing with, afterall.

Hey, let's just get rid of our books. We don't need 'em.

OK, so the library is about to receive a makeover. We're going to be funked up. You know the deal - twee vinyl cut-out designs on the wall, "funky" furniture etc, which no doubt some time in the near future will scream early 21st century library interior design. Apparently, we need to look and feel more like a funky book store, and less like a library. This from some consultant guy who has no library qualifications and has never worked in a library. But wait, apparently he revolutionized gift soap baskets when he worked at The Body Shop. Anyway, so in order for us to look like a store, we have to get rid of thousands upon thousands of books, which are being plucked from the shelves and either relegated to the trash or the book sale. There must be something thrilling about banishing a book, as some staff have embraced the task with unquestioning relish. There's this old bird there who's been working at the library forever and a day and she's basically pulling anything that she hasn't heard of or who she doesn't like off of the shelves. Bob Dylan? Trouble-maker. Into the bin with his biography. Iggy Pop? What is that? Some kind of soda? Sayonara. It's really quite sad to see what was once a very good collection being slashed and burnt so room can be made for an Ikea floor show.

Bongos. Why?

I don't know why it is, but libraries just ain't what they used to be. Sure, it used to be kind of a bummer that you couldn't make a peep, but at least it was one place where you could get some peace and quiet - a rare commodity these days. Now, you're pretty much hard-pushed to find a public library where you can get some quality quiet time. In fact, librarians are pretty much falling over themselves to make libraries the noisiest places on the planet. Take for instance the other day when our library hosted a fucking drumming workshop of all things. Picture this: it's the middle of the week and there's just a low, pleasant hum of solitary people sounds: people typing on computers, listening to music on their headphones or snoring away in an easy chair. Now imagine 20 or so kids pounding away on 20 or so bongo drums. It's pretty much akin to the roar of a bulldozer in a forest obliterating the birdsong. Pretty much cleared the place out. Stupid.

Customer Service Queen

So every workplace has its Supremo Brown-Noser, right? The asshole who is so far up the boss's ass that they pretty much reek of shit 24-7? Where I work it's no different. "Rita" is known far and wide in our little library land as the Queen of Customer Service. She's always getting compliments in the customer feedback box from customers and as a result, the boss thinks the sun shines out of her ass. Here's "Rita's" secret: 1. Have long, leisurely chats with your customer. 2.Ignore the fact that while you're swapping lengthy stories about your snotty-nosed offspring, your co-worker is running around serving the five or six customers who are silently fuming about having to wait to get some attention. 3. Once you've wound up the fascinating and hilarious anecdote session with your customer, direct them to the customer feedback box. 4. Snoop through the feedback box, picking out only the feedback forms that sing your praises and wave them in front of the boss. What an asshole.

Bathroom hygiene

OK, so there's this twittish rule regarding, of all things, the fucking keys to the bathroom. The key can't just be handed to anybody who graces the library with their presence. Nooooooo, whoever walks in and asks to use the toilet has to be questioned as to their intentions regarding their imminent use of the library. So you plan to just pee and not read? Well screw you mister, you just have to walk around to the other end of the building and use the public facilities there. Newsflash to the assholes who came up with this rule: IT'S BATSHIT CRAZY, as is the rule that the key can't be left for a nanosecond on the counter, lest someone takes the key and *gasp* uses the facilities.

And another thing. Strange as this sounds, I didn't get a Masters degree in Library Science so I could be a fucking bathroom key attendant.

And while I'm at it: those fucking keys are disgusting. We all know that a lot of people don't wash their hands after they've taken care of business and so when I have to handle one of those keys what's going through my mind is: "This key probably has shit, pee and genital juice all over it. Thanks so much."

Clueless parents and their destructive brat-children

The other day I was doing some shelving and I saw this toddler basically throwing the books on the bottom shelf of the graphic novel section onto the floor while clueless hippy dad was pretending not to notice. I wanted to intervene and tell this idiot to please control his kid and put the books back on the shelf, but I was basically in conflict-avoidance mode as a result of being so fucking tired from covering shifts for people who are either perpetually off sick or lurching from one childcare crisis to another, so I just ignored the wanton destruction and retreated to the front desk.

Luckily payback came when dad wanted to borrow more CDs than his limit allowed. So I glanced over at the graphic novel section where about 20 books were lying on the ground and thought, nuh-uh. Normally if the person asking to borrow extra CDs seems nice or, at least, not an asshole who is happy to let library staff tidy up after his/her destructive brat-child, I cut them a break. But this time I was aggrolibrarian and was like "I'm ever so sorry, but them's the rules. Now choose which CDs you want and go put the rest back on the reshelving trolley" (as opposed to the fucking floor).

Hey, I don't care that you've been working all day and just want to start your weekend...

It's spooky how often this happens: it's 2 minutes to closing time on a Friday afternoon. You're ready to make like a shepherd and get the flock outta there. Lo and behold, some disorganised chaos merchant of a mother walks in with her brats, deciding that they need dinosaur books NOW, IMMEDIATELY, PRONTO etc etc. So you inhale deeply, look up the catalog, high-tail it to the shelves to retrieve required books and race back to the counter to check the books out to the little darlings. And of course, their fucking library card has expired, meaning you have to sign them up. God I hate that.