Clueless parents and their destructive brat-children

The other day I was doing some shelving and I saw this toddler basically throwing the books on the bottom shelf of the graphic novel section onto the floor while clueless hippy dad was pretending not to notice. I wanted to intervene and tell this idiot to please control his kid and put the books back on the shelf, but I was basically in conflict-avoidance mode as a result of being so fucking tired from covering shifts for people who are either perpetually off sick or lurching from one childcare crisis to another, so I just ignored the wanton destruction and retreated to the front desk.

Luckily payback came when dad wanted to borrow more CDs than his limit allowed. So I glanced over at the graphic novel section where about 20 books were lying on the ground and thought, nuh-uh. Normally if the person asking to borrow extra CDs seems nice or, at least, not an asshole who is happy to let library staff tidy up after his/her destructive brat-child, I cut them a break. But this time I was aggrolibrarian and was like "I'm ever so sorry, but them's the rules. Now choose which CDs you want and go put the rest back on the reshelving trolley" (as opposed to the fucking floor).

Hey, I don't care that you've been working all day and just want to start your weekend...

It's spooky how often this happens: it's 2 minutes to closing time on a Friday afternoon. You're ready to make like a shepherd and get the flock outta there. Lo and behold, some disorganised chaos merchant of a mother walks in with her brats, deciding that they need dinosaur books NOW, IMMEDIATELY, PRONTO etc etc. So you inhale deeply, look up the catalog, high-tail it to the shelves to retrieve required books and race back to the counter to check the books out to the little darlings. And of course, their fucking library card has expired, meaning you have to sign them up. God I hate that.

Merry Fucking Christmas

Let me set the scene: it's mid-week and I'm in a staff meeting surrounded by a whole lotta anal, Type A librarians and librarian wannabes. The topic of the moment: "should we send a big bunch of impersonal and ultimately meaningless corporate-style Christmas cards out to people or should we just invite them around for a piss-up and a party instead?" Personally, I don't really give a shit either way, but was leaning towards the latter suggestion. Echoing my thoughts, someone piped up saying how lame-ass corporate Christmas cards are and how they just end up in the trash. Cue indignant wannabe librarian chick who started sanctimoniously bleeting (and I'm not meaning the act of blogging and tweeting simultaneously) on about how every Christmas card is precious and how all of hers end up being scrapbooked or some such shit. I mean, REALLY??? What kind of nit-wit saves and treasures Christmas cards from people she barely knows and who are only sending her the stupid things because they have to for work? Sheesh.

Cat's bum mouth

So not only are their assholes in libraries, but there are assholes in books too. Check out this dust jacket photo of an author of a book I was reshelving the other day:

She's got a real cat's bum mouth, this one. She should be, like, "Oooh yay, I just wrote a book. Lovely." Instead she looks like someone's just gone and clamped her car wheels.

And as for the poncey bio... Why do people insist on putting definite articles in front of slightly ooh la la occupations? eg Joe Toad, THE writer and Mary Wafflebum THE painter. What about Tom Bloggs THE plumber? Or Jane Doe, THE customer service officer? Hmmmm? No? Not ooh la la enough for you?

Bah.

We're closing, you motherfucking asshole.

I hate assholes who won't leave the library at closing time. Today I went around just before closing time telling people nicely that we're about to close (i.e. you'll need to start saving your shit and shutting down your laptops around about NOW as opposed to when I switch off the lights and lock the doors), but these three chicks just didn't get the message. All I wanted to do was go home and all they wanted to do was keep tap tap tapping on their computers. What gives with assholes like these? Why do they think that it's OK to keep people waiting like that? If I'd had an AK-47 I probably would have mowed them down. Lucky for them I didn't, I guess.

Double Dutch

These two Dutch backpacker girls with a severe case of bitchitis turned up at the library insisting that their crappy hand-written job application forms for the local bakery proved that they lived in town and therefore they should be IMMEDIATELY provided with access to the resources (i.e. the free wi-fi). I tried showing them the list of acceptable forms of ID and suggested the easiest option available (e.g. going to the local bank branch and getting a statement with the local address on it), but nooooo, they believed they were above all of that and who was I, a mere counter-jockey, to tell them otherwise?

In the end I had to verbally karate chop their not-insignificant-asses with a "Well, I've explained your options and the bottom line is I'm not going to sign you up with that job application form" (so please now go and get fucked).

Jesus on a pogo stick.

I've been to the Netherlands a bunch of times, and not once do I recall storming into any library there demanding that I have immediate access to their goodies on the basis of some retarded form I've filled out myself.

Why don't they just go and annoy the librarians in their own country? Hmmm?

Stringy snot-eater strikes again

OK, so the stringy snot-eater kid was back again today, being annoying and demanding and just plain rude. He wanted to play a cartoon DVD on the library DVD player, so I explained that he'd have to wait until the (homeless) people watching their movie had finished. So eventually it's his turn and he's watching it. After a long while I see the credits roll, so I eject the disc from the player, which is located at the reference desk, and this brat comes marching over to the desk and says to me "What are you doing? It hasn't finished yet. There's another episode." So I put the disc back in, muttering to myself how I'd like to smack that little shit in the mouth and smack him HARD. Then I go back to reshelving and what do I see? The little prick is playing on his Nintendo or whatever it is, not even watching the DVD he was so outraged about me prematurely turning off two minutes ago. Meanwhile, the homeless folks are sitting there going WTF?

Little asshole.

The stringy snot eater

I hate school holidays. Not only do you have to deal with idiot parents but their snot-eating brats as well. Today I was getting this ten-year-old brat his wireless voucher and just as I turned around I saw he had his finger jammed up his nose, like, up to the second knuckle. Worse, he then pulled his finger out of his nostril with this string of spaghetti-like snot attached to it and stuck it in his fucking mouth. Disgusting.